Discouraging

Okay, so I started a brand spanking new profile with Maya this week. I'm following her to the letter. Working out on the days she recommended and doing at least as long as she suggested for her "weight loss" regimen.

That's 5 days a week for 30 minutes each. I really don't think that's enough for a weight loss program. Well, it would be if I hadn't been doing that much already for the last 10 months.

Anyway, I did all the evaluation stuff. My resting heart rate is 68 and my max is 170. Not bad. I'm actually pretty happy with those numbers. 50 squats, 7 pushups (which is probably a little high, I really can only do 6 with any kind of form), 30 crunches (that's down a bit, but I didn't really push myself) and my stretching is what it's always been. It's the weight that depressed me. I weighed in at 157 lbs. I've gained 3 lbs since the beginning of January.

I know I wasn't working as hard as I could or eating as portion controlled as I should be, but it's so easy for me to put on weight, yet it will take me forever to get back down to 154 lbs.

I just said to Matt it really makes me think that I will not achieve my healthy goal weight or even be able to maintain it when I do. Hell, I can't even maintain my unhealthy overweight weight.

So here I was all excited about focusing again, getting back on track, thinking that I had already made the major life changes to keep myself healthy and it's all plummeted. I guess I haven't made this a life style change or made enough healthy changes, as the weight slips back on.

Discouraging doesn't even cover the feelings. I feel like a failure. I feel like a hypocrite and someone that has been lying to herself thinking that I had done what I needed to do to turn my life around. I'm just not sure I have the strength and will power to keep trying.