Sunday, July 31, 2005

Trying To Lose Weight Sucks

Hey, how's that for a title? Encouraging, no?

Well, I've been consistant with my workouts, increased my time with Maya (back to the 45 minutes to 1 hour a workout... however I'm still only doing 5 days a week... gotta push that back up to 6 days soon). I'm careful with my diet... and guess what? I've gained weight. Dang, this stuff is hard.

Ya, I know, lots of reasons for a weight gain, and it's not much, but it's just sooooo discouraging!!! Ironically, it may have inspired me instead of my usual... "why am I even bothering". I'm obviously still not working hard enough... so I'll push myself a little harder and get myself down to below 150 lbs yet. At my usual weight loss average, I'm looking at Halloween as my goal. That's .5 lbs a week for 16 weeks. I don't think I'm going to see my goal weight of 130 lbs before the end of the year at this point. Unless something miraculous happens and my body decides to shed weight faster than it ever has in the past.

I still think my biggest blockage is the time commitement. I really don't want to spend any more time working out. 45 minutes to an hour is as much as I really want to do. Yet I know it's not enough. I gotta add more time (as I'm pretty much maxed at my intensity. Having a bum knee does limit how hard I can work... ie: I have to walk briskly on the treadmill instead of running). I think if I could bring myself to do that extra workout 3 times a week... I'ld see a weight loss. I gotta keep reminding myself of that and start working it into my schedule.

However, not matter how much it sucks, or how discouraging it gets, or how sore I am or tired of tracking my diet, I simply can't give up. I'm still at way too high a fat percentage (I love that even tho' I've gained weight, my fat percentage drops... but even at 35%, that's unhealthy) and even if I was able to get my cholesterol to drop, I have to remember that there's a lot of room for improvement on my numbers. So maybe this little weight gain is a good kick in the butt that I needed....

Friday, July 29, 2005

Sans Sodas

Well, I did my grocery shopping and didn't restock any diet sodas for the house. Sigh. This is tough. I do drink a lot of water, but I would have at least 2 diet sodas a day.

I am so sore all the time. My muscles just never are not sore. I'm hoping that by increasing my water intake and using some vitamin E (as part of my multivitamin) that I can lower the soreness a bit. We'll see if it helps.

Speaking of multivitamins... Matt picked them out for me. It's a freakin' horse pill. It's huge... and I'm not a good "pill" taker. I just gag on them. So I've been chewing them. Not very yummy, to say the least. I'm thinking I may look at Flintstones the next time...

So the focus is definitely better (it may be obvious, as I'm blogging a lot more about it).

Let's see if I can get back to the massive 1/2 lb weight loss per week again. I simply don't lose any faster than that... and it takes an awful lot of work. I just really want to break the 150 lbs mark.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Self Imposed Pressure?

After I had knee surgery, one of the high school coaches worked with me to build my strength back up. He was great, and I learned a lot about weight lifting from him. He's still influencing my life, in an odd way.

I remember him as being very fit and athletic.... not something you see a lot in someone his age in the area I grew up. However, his wife was full figured and not very active. Even at 16 I realized that this is not what I wanted when I grew up and was in a relationship. Yet, here I am...

When Matt and I started dating when we were 18/19 we already had been dealing with weight issues. We put on weight together. Neither were very athletic or even active (hell, Matt even smoked back then...). Matt and I got the wake up call about the same time. Doctor's visits, test results, etc (he had already quit smoking by then, but he still had an irregular heart beat). He became focused and lost weight and made exercise part of his daily life. At first by running (even tho' he hated it), then after training for a mini triathalon, he found he loved biking and he's been biking ever since... pushing himself and raising the bar year after year.

I lost at first, then I put it all back on and then some before I hit the bottom and realized that I had to do something. I thought back to my coach and his wife and I thought about me and Matt and realized that's what we had become.

I still feel that way. I feel a pressure on myself to be like Matt... which is impossible. Matt is an over achiever (this is a man that passed the CPA on the first sitting purely because he can study like no one I've ever met) while I'm a bare minimum... do just enough to get by kind of person. I never had that kind of drive and I've never had success when I do put extra effort into something, whether it's for my grades or with the weight loss. It's this mental self pressure that I need to accept and get over.

I am 30 lbs overweight, and I do want to be in a healthy weight range, but I also ask myself "why"? Is it because I want to be healthier or is it because I don't want to be the fat wife of a physically fit cycling freak?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

First vs. Last

If you've been reading this blog for a bit, you know I've hit a major plateau (I really should know how to spell that by now... I've written so many times, yet I still don't ever get it right).

I'm struggling with the last 30 lbs that I want to lose (out of 90lbs loss goal). I've been even a little obsessed with this last 30 lbs, yet not enough to do it.

It's made me think back to all the weight I have lost and how hard it was, or for that matter, how easy it was.

I will say the first 30 lbs came off fairly easy. Some diet changes and a little exercise and I slowly, but surely, lost 30 lbs. Then I hit a stopage... and the horrid cholestrol numbers. Well, that motivated me to work again and I made some more diet changes and exercised a lot more.

So basically, it does get harder the longer I go and the fewer pounds I have to lose. There's still a lot of room for improvement. I may be more physically active, but I'm far from fit. Riding the trainer has shown that... but it's difficult in a different way. My muscles get sore, but it's not a strain on me cardio wise. That's a big improvement. I now need to work my muscles up to my heart strength. So I'm not as easily winded (a good thing), but I need to train my muscles to do more variety.

I do Yourself!Fitness so much more than any other exercise that my body is comfortable with it. Even spending time on the treadmill today has shown me that my legs need more variety. So we'll give this new schedule a try: Y!F 5 times a week, trainer 4-5 times a week (I'm up to 15 minutes), treadmill or recumbant bike 3 times a week. The goal is to do the 90 minutes of exercise at least 5 times a week (not all at one time). I'm going to push Maya up to 45 minutes a session and supplement it with the 15 minutes on the bike and 30 minutes on the treadmill. I really would like to break the 150 lbs before the end of summer... okay, let's say mid fall.

Oh, and I'm giving up my diet sodas. I think I'm not hydrating myself enough (hence the really sore muscles) and I love my sodas, but it's time to take the next step. More water and I'm adding a multivitamin. The usual focus on making sure I'm getting enough fruit and veggies and we'll continue to keep the animal products down to 3 days a week or so. More beans and tofu! (all hail the great Boca manufacterers!!!). Let's see how it goes and maybe I can get back to my 1/2 lb a week weight loss again!!!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Today's Post

ya, I know, pretty lame title, but I'm running out of clever ideas.

So, here we are again trying to lose weight, but not 100% focused, so there's no sucess. It gets old. Really old.

I'm feeling a lot better about myself, and that will help, but I'm still not at that point of "extra" that I need to do: both with the workouts and with the food choices.

Matt and I spend a lot of time talking about this (our eating/exercise has become a major focus in our lives) and it's funny, but I am more self consious of my weight now than I was when I was at my heaviest... I think it's for a couple of reasons.

I think that I simply didn't care when I was 214 lbs (which is how I got to 214 lbs), then with some changes and some exercise the weight started coming off. Slowly, but I saw progress when I put in the effort. I don't get that anymore. My progress is non existant, no matter how hard I work. I feel like I lead a healthy lifestyle (I'm not militant: I do have "treats" and I do half ass some of my workouts) but my body looks like I'm an unhealthy slug. Yes, I'm smaller and I know that I'm not as heavy... but I don't look "healthy". I still have very heavy arms and legs, I don't have any muscle definition and I'm still 30 lbs over weight.

I know that I'm probably trying too hard right now, that maybe I should just take the rest of this year and maintain this weight, then push again. That's what I've done every year for the least 6 years... do it in steps. I'm just ready to be 130. Allow my body and metabolism get used to being 155 lbs, then once it's used to it, shock it with a diet change and exercise surge. Or maybe I'm just feeling lazy and I'm trying to avoid doing the extra workouts....

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

New and Improved????

So I'm trying to mix up my workouts a bit. Matt set up one of his older bikes on the trainer for me (got me a "girl" seat and everything). My stationary bike is a recumbant and I didn't realize how different the motion would be.

First off, let me say that I didn't do a lot of bike riding growing up. My childhood house was on a steep hill (probably about 12% or so) and it just wasn't a great place to go bike riding (unless you are a freaky bike rider who enjoys going up short, but extremely steep hills... like Matt). So this whole bike riding thing is weird. I've never actually ridden a bike with hand brakes. I also probably haven't been on a bike in over 25 years.

So the position is weird (this is a road bike, so the handlebars put you in a hunched over position), the seat is uncomfortable (I really don't like my body weight to be resting there... thank you very much) and quite frankly, it's hard work.

However, it is hard work. That is good. I use a different group of muscles to pedal on the real bike than I do on the recumbant bike. It takes more effort and my muscles are getting sore (we won't talk about the super tight hamstrings... I didn't stretch afterwords, so it's my own fault).

Just don't expect me to start racing anytime soon. It might be nice to get comfortable enough to go for rides with Matt, but I don't think that this is going to be my magic bullet. It's a nice change up and I like a variety in my workouts and I've noticed that I do like a bit of a challenge. I HATED working with Yourself!Fitness when I first got it. I couldn't keep up with her, I couldn't get a lot of the steps, and we won't talk about how off beat I was (you have to go thru my archives for that one!) Now I feel like a pro with her.

Speaking of such, she did up my difficulty when I re did my profile. I'm doing much more advanced steps this time. Which is good. However, I still don't know how she expects this workout program to be "weight loss" focused. I did the flexibility on Sunday, 30 minutes (as per her recommendation) and she had me burn a whopping 124 calories. That's not enough to "maximize my workout for weight loss". Yes, flexibility is important, but I won't lose weight unless I burn more calories than I take in... and I can only remove so many calories from my diet. I'm still using her, and I will continue to use her, as I can't argue with the results of her weight lifting regimine, but I definitely need to supplement her with more cardio. So that's why I'm using the trainer, the treadmill and the recumbant bike. At some point, I may even see some weight loss again.

Sunday, July 17, 2005


First, just a great big thank you for the support after the nasty spam incident. It always feels like such an invasion when someone does it normally, and to hit at one of lowest points seemed particularly nasty. I truely appriciate the words of encouragement guys. I'm speechless at how to say how much it was needed and how much I appriciate it! Thanks so much.

So, what's been happening with me then? Well, I'm shaking off the bad mood and low self esteem the best I can. I'm back to a more steady workout, and I'm tracking the food thing again. It's just so hard to do the suffering. I mean, it 's obvious, but I really don't enjoy the feeling of being hungry, or pushing myself past my comfort zone, but it is the only way I lose weight.

It's intersting that this is happening during the Tour de France. My long time readers will know that I follow professional cycling as much as I can here in the States (we now only get live coverage of the TdF... this year the Giro was a weekly highlight show... and I have no doubt the Veulta will be too). I swear over the last 4 or 5 years, I've lost more weight during July than at any other time. It's a little thing I call "perspective".

How can I sit on my comfy little recumbant stationary bike, or workout on the treadmill or with Maya in my nice air conditioned house having complete control not only my enviroment, but also my effort when I watch the riders of the pelaton suffering every day for hours at at time for 3 weeks knowing that they are not there to win, but to help someone else win.

The big attention for the TdF is always on the overall winner (the "GC"), and of course that's Lance Armstrong. However, when you come right down to it, only maybe 4 or 5 riders have the goal of beating him. That's all... out of 189 riders that started only 4 or 5 of them have a goal of winning the overall race... or even finishing in the top 3. So why do all those other riders even go? To suffer for someone else. To support an other rider on their team. Sheild them from the wind, to bring them water bottles, to set a high pace to break other riders.

Hell, I struggle to work for myself, yet I see every day, riders turn themselves inside out, push themselves past their endurance just so someone else can win a stage, or a sprint or the overall race.

I'm not made for suffering. I watch my husband train for his amateur races, for his club training rides and I'm amazed at what he's willing to do to himself to get stronger and faster. He rides every day, covering over 200 miles a week on his bike. As he's said, he's found his "magic bullet"... the workout that he has a complete passion for. He loves riding, he loves the suffering, the pushing himself, to test himself on hard steep climbs. That's what I'm looking for. I haven't found my "magic bullet" yet. The workout that I can get passionate about. That I'm willing to do even on the days that I'm tired, or busy or just don't feel like working out. To have something that I love to so much that I have to do it and miss it if I don't.

Somehow, I don't think being a spectator counts.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Thanks for the support...

Yesterday's post was a very personal account of my feelings. I'm trying to keep my blog very honest and I hit one of my lowest points yesterday (and today's not any better). It was a hard entry to write and it's one that is hard for me to go back and read.

So this morning I was a bit cheered thinking someone had left me some words of encouragement (or at least some one trying to help). Nope, it was spam. A very long spam, I might add.

So thanks, that really helped. To know that I'm worth spamming just made it all worth while to pour out my heart and tears over something I'm really struggling with. Just so you can put an ad in my comments that I immediately delete.

I feel all encouraged and loved and appriciated.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Okay, so I started a brand spanking new profile with Maya this week. I'm following her to the letter. Working out on the days she recommended and doing at least as long as she suggested for her "weight loss" regimen.

That's 5 days a week for 30 minutes each. I really don't think that's enough for a weight loss program. Well, it would be if I hadn't been doing that much already for the last 10 months.

Anyway, I did all the evaluation stuff. My resting heart rate is 68 and my max is 170. Not bad. I'm actually pretty happy with those numbers. 50 squats, 7 pushups (which is probably a little high, I really can only do 6 with any kind of form), 30 crunches (that's down a bit, but I didn't really push myself) and my stretching is what it's always been. It's the weight that depressed me. I weighed in at 157 lbs. I've gained 3 lbs since the beginning of January.

I know I wasn't working as hard as I could or eating as portion controlled as I should be, but it's so easy for me to put on weight, yet it will take me forever to get back down to 154 lbs.

I just said to Matt it really makes me think that I will not achieve my healthy goal weight or even be able to maintain it when I do. Hell, I can't even maintain my unhealthy overweight weight.

So here I was all excited about focusing again, getting back on track, thinking that I had already made the major life changes to keep myself healthy and it's all plummeted. I guess I haven't made this a life style change or made enough healthy changes, as the weight slips back on.

Discouraging doesn't even cover the feelings. I feel like a failure. I feel like a hypocrite and someone that has been lying to herself thinking that I had done what I needed to do to turn my life around. I'm just not sure I have the strength and will power to keep trying.

Monday, July 11, 2005

New Attitude and Workout!

Well, it's time I shook off this low self esteem and self pity! Time to shake things up a bit and try something new.

Matt and I talked last night and we're going to work together to get back in focus. So back to ye ol' food logs. You know it's really not bad to do them anymore. Once you've been doing them for a while, you realize that you eat a lot of the same things and it's easier to do the longer you do them.

I also am going to shake up my workouts a bit. I'm going to continue to work with Maya, as I love what she's been able to do to my body so far. I love upper body workouts with her, but I still thinks she neglects the cardio a bit and I need more than just lunges for lower body workouts. So I'm going to basically "start over" with her. I'll do a brand new evaluation, and tho' I know that she's going to want me to do weight loss, I'll over ride it and either choose the cardio or the upper body. I'm going to follow her suggested schedule without any changes and supplement her with other cardio and weight training. I'm going to set up a "rigid" workout regimine instead of doing just what I want to do. I've got to learn to push myself and do the things I don't "want" to do.

In the 10 months with Maya, she has improved my muscle toning significantly, but since my focus was on weight loss, I'm actually disappointed with her results. Maybe because I had already lost so much weight before I started working with her that I need a more advanced workout.

Actually, that's what Matt said to me last night. I've already done the "easy" weight loss tricks. Cutting soda and sweets and the cooking processes were a big help in the beginning, but they aren't in my diet any longer and my body has adjusted to me not drinking over 300 calories a day just in soda.

So the only way for me to lose the weight at this point is to work hard and pay attention to my calories. Easier said than done. I'm really bad at pushing myself past a certain comfort zone and a little distraction and it's easy to lose focus with the food. Not that our eating has become horrible, in fact we eat very healthy, but to "lose" weight, I've got to be vilagent!

Matt said he's going to work a little harder with me. Altho' he's very supportive (especially with meal planning), he's going to work a bit more on accountability with me. Maybe some of his drive will rub off on me.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Better Than Nothing

Well, I must say that I'm still feeling pretty down.

I am trying to keep to my workout schedule and trying not to eat for comfort. I did 30 minutes with Maya today and I swear it was an hour workout. It was the toughest 30 minutes I've spent. The time just didn't move.

I wanted to say thank you to Carissa for her lovely comments and her friendship. It has meant a lot to me to have such a great online friend :D

Thanks also to Sara for her tag. I have considered using a trainer, but since the Yourself!Fitness program actually tracks my workouts (and yes, Maya does gently chide me if I miss a scheduled workout), I'm more or less getting that kind of accountability. There's not a lot of flexibility with her (you can't tell her, "but Maya I rode the stationary bike yesterday, that's why I didn't work with you"), but it does make you not want to miss a workout her!

I am at least still working out. I do always feel a little better about things when I do my workout, but I also feel like I'm not working at them hard enough. I just never feel like what I'm doing is good enough. I don't lose weight fast enough, I'm not doing enough cardio or enough weights or enough stretching. I'm not working as hard as I could. I don't push myself past my comfort zone.

I also really need to stop beating myself up over everything.

Friday, July 01, 2005

The Double Edged Sword

So I'm feeling a bit depressed. Not only with my lack of motivaton, but with things in general. It happens. Ups and downs are a part of life and I've learned different ways to cope with the downs.

I know that its part of the reason I'm struggling with my workouts is that I get very lethargic when I go thru a depression cycle. I know exercise is supposed to help boost my natural seratonin levels, but it's hard to get the energy to workout hard enough for it to get that boost.

The other thing that happens while in this kind of funk is that I get a lot of aches and pains. Nasty painful zits, stomach pains, sore muscles. I know that it's part of the feelings of depression, but again, it keeps me from wanting to push myself.

One of my great talents in life is wallowing in self pity. I know that this is just a period in time and I'll get back on track. The key is to not let this be a set back... and I'm getting very close to that point. I've cut back on my workouts, maybe not making as good of food choices as I should. I need to get myself back into my routine and hopefully dig myself out of this hole.

So it's a vicious cycle. I need to exercise to boost my mood, yet I can't motivate myelf to exercise because my mood is so bad. Luckily, I know that it will click, and I'll keep trying to get back on track.