Thursday, September 29, 2005


I have a bad knee. I've dislocated my knee cap on several occassions and had surgery to remove a bone chip from where the knee cap struck one of my other bones and to tighten up the stretched out ligament. Since the surgery, I haven't dislocated my knee, but I do get a lot of knee pain. Between the scar tissue and the non smooth knee cap (from the bone chip) I'm very careful on which exercises I do.

I usually stick with low impact. I don't run (well, that's also partly because of the bust line... let's be honest that's not real comfortable either) and I avoid high impact exercises when I work with Maya. I adjust them so that they aren't as strenusous on my knee.

However, I've been feeling that I need to work harder if I want my weight to come off, so I increased Maya's intensity. She gave me some new workouts and I enjoy the variety. I've also been cocky and trying to do more of the high impact stuff.

Well, I'm now paying for it. Yes, I've been sore, but I would expect that with some new exercises and a more intense workout. However, I've moved past "sore" into pain with my right knee. That sharp stabbing pain that I hate.

So looks like Maya and I may need a little break and it looks like I'm going to have to cut back on her difficulty. It's really a shame. I want the variety and I want to work harder, but I guess it's like running. It's just not for me. I'm stuck with moderate workouts, which means longer workouts.

I'm feeling very discouraged again. I feel just as I get into the groove, I do something that causes me to have to slow down. Too much too fast, I'm sure, but I feel like I take two steps forward, then have to take a step back. It could be worse, it could be one step forward and two steps back. However, there's no doubt that I've been successful with 60 lbs lost and I need to remember that. This isn't the first time I've had to slow it down a bit and it won't be the last.

So I'll do some walking on the treadmill, keep tracking my food and try to stay positive.

Today's Positive Reinforcement:
I do not allow pain to keep me focused on the big picture.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Increasing the Difficulty...

I admit it, I'm a fairly lazy person. Okay, I'm a very lazy person. I'm not always good at pushing myself. I will always take the easy route.

One of my challenges with using Yourself!Fitness was to be more honest with the difficulty level. So I upped it...

Well, Maya decided that small increments are for losers, so she bumped me up... way up!

I couldn't finish my 45 minute weight loss workout today. She pooped me out!

The good thing about this is that I get new exercises which makes it more interesting. It also gives me a great goal. I'll continue to shoot for 45 minutes at this difficulty and I'll have a great sense of accomplishment when I can hit it.

I know that it will be easier to do on the other concentration days, as the cardio sections on those only last 15-20 minutes (depending if I'm doing 1 hour or 45 minutes).

The weird thing is that yesterday I did the upper body concentration and the cardio section was definitely harder, but the upper body/weight training section wasn't. She hardly even used weights with me and the reps were low. So it's going to take some tweaking to get everything balanced to make it challenging for me.

In other challenges, I'm back to the food logs. One day of logging was a wake up call.

Yes, I'm keeping my calories around 1500 (which is my goal), but I see some major gaps in nutrition that I'm missing. Mainly fruit.

The sad thing is I like fruit, but I'm lazy and just don't always think of it. So I'm going to concentrate on getting my fruit servings in.

I've been debating about returning to the Weigh In Wednesdays. I don't think I'm going to do it. The scale is soooo evil that it depresses me. Maybe a once a month weigh in? Or maybe I just need to forget about the weight loss and concentrate on my workouts and my food. More of a healthy lifestyle, challenging myself rather than worrying about losing weight? Hmmm, something to ponder.

Today's Positive Reinforcement:
I can force myself to work harder, even if I can't accomplish my initial goal, I can see it as a challenge.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Game Over? Hit Restart...

I'm a gamer. I love video games. I have a considerable amount of patience when I play a game. There was a section in The Thing (a great game, btw) that took me probably over 200 tried to get thru (it was worth it). Yes, there was a section in Soul Reaver II (an other favorite... Definitely my favorite series) that I was frustrated to the point of tears. Yet I persevered and now if I replay the game, I'm surprised at how frustrated I was at that point in the game. It's not as difficult now.

Life isn't exactly like a computer game, but sometimes I need to approach my obstacles in life with that kind of patience. Specifically when it comes to my weight loss. If I don't hit my goal, instead of seeing it as a failure and a disappointment, I need to see it as a challenge to get thru. Just hit restart, and try again.

I spent the last 3 weeks in a very poor sleep cycle. Between house guests, the monthly insomnia then Matt out of town for a week, I couldn't sleep. Actually, I slept like a baby. I woke up every 1-2 hours. I felt like crap during the day. Hung over, in a fog and was just simply irritable.

I didn't workout much over the last two weeks. I did a little here and there, but the lack of sleep thru me off my schedule and I went thru the motions most of the time.

So today I hit restart and will get back into focus. I'm on a normal sleep cycle again and I really want to put myself in a position where I am successful. I've been talking a lot about my self image and my own sense of self worth lately, and that's part of the restart. The "I can do this" rather than "I'm a failure because I can't lose my last 30 lbs".

I'm coming up on the one year anniversary with Yourself!Fitness. I've lost a total of 7 lbs using the program. Not exactly a "before and after" success story, but my body has changed considerably since I've been using the program. It's still the most interesting workout I've found. I just hope there will be an update soon....

So to do a restart here's what I plan on doing:

6 days a week with Yourself!Fitness, min. 45 minutes a day
5 microworkouts a week (or non-workouts workouts)
Food Logs
Positive Reinforcement

Today's Positive Reinforcement:
I have considerable patience, when I put my mind to it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The Power of Words

You know the saying "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me". It's something we're all told when we get bullied in grade school.

This couldn't be farther from the truth. Yes, it's important to try to distance yourself from the hurtness of words. However, words in fact are very powerful things.

There are words that were said to me some time ago that were very hurtful and are still a motivating factor in my weight loss. I know that sometimes words are used by people to make themselves feel better about themselves... and maybe the intent wasn't so much to hurt me, but to boost their own sense of self. It doesn't really matter, as the words hurt me.

Words are a way we communicate, tell people how we feel about them. Make judgements. Careless use of words can be very hurtful indeed. We've all done it. Something slips out before you even realize what you're saying. However, there are a lot of people who love to use words as a weapon... a sharp dagger to make your own sense of self plumment while raising their's.

Just as words can be hurful, they also can be wonderful. Giving someone a compliment can change a whole day around for that person.

I spent a week listening to other people communicate and it made me evaluate what kind of words I use. Do I do the basics, like "please" and "thank you". Simple words of gratitude. Yes, I do. I thank my waiter for filling my water glass. I tell my grocery clerk to have a nice day. I thank Matt for taking out the garbage. I try tell someone when they are wearing an outfit that looks really nice on them.

I have a tendancy of using hurtful words to myself. I tell myself that I'm a slug. Or I'm too fat. Or I'm not pretty. Or I'm not a nice person. I would say that I'm my own worse critic (but, in fact I'm not). Positive reinforcement is important. From everyone, including, and probably most importantly, myself.

I also have a tendancy of down playing the compliment when it's given to me. I'll point out the flaws. If I made a sweater, I'll down play all the work I put in it or I'll only focus on the mistakes. If I get a compliment about my weight loss, I usually say, "oh, but I still have 30 lbs to go". In a way, I'm telling myself that I don't deserve praise. I'm trying harder to just say "thank you" when someone gives me a compliement.

So part of my fitness workout is also working out my self image. I'm not talking about the weight here. I'm the same person whether I'm wearing a 214 lb body or a 154 lb body. It's no different than wearing a red shirt or a blue shirt. Once may "look" nicer, but it's the exact same person inside.

I'm beginning to think this healthier lifestyle isn't really about the weight after all...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

A Day Late, A Dollar Less?

Well, whatever the phrase is.

I hit my August goal today... or at least close enough that I feel like I'm on the right track. I weighed in today at 154.2 lbs. The best news is that my body fat % was down to 36%. That's the lowest I remember ever seeing it.

It just goes to show you that there's absolutely no excuse to throw the towel in. I was very disheartened when I couldn't lose the 2 lbs that I had set for my goal in August. I knew I wasn't going to give up, but I was discouraged enough that I took a couple of days off. However, I came back with more determination. I increased my workouts and my intensity with Maya. I feel better and stronger, and finally I feel that I'm on track again.

Do I expect to hit my 152 lb goal by the end of September? Well, I hope I can, and I'll work towards it, but I'll keep it in perspective if I don't make it.

I know it's a journey, not a short trip. These are lifestyle choices and the change is slow. I might be able to change my eating and workout habits, but the feeling of failure is a hard habit to break. Maybe the hardest.