Banging My Head Against The Wall

It's not about weight loss... it's not about weight loss... it's not about weight loss

Bullshit, it's all about weight loss. I know that there are many ways to determine a healthy body and that is my ultimate goal (specifically my LDL number). Yes, I've seen the fat percentage drop. Yes, I can "see" a difference on my clothes and in my face. Yet, there's still something about that damn number on the scale.

I can placate myself all I want and try to feel good about what I'm doing, but quite frankly, that little number on the scale does mean something, no matter what I tell myself.

It doesn't matter if I work hard and pay attention to what I eat. It doesn't move. Well, it moves, briefly, then it goes back up. It sorta teases me...

I feel like that 160 lb number just won't go away. I do feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. I'm working hard. I'm eating healthy. Yet my body refuses to let go of 160 lbs.

If after working this hard for 4 more weeks, and with meticulous food records, I don't see any more movement, I think it's time for professional help. I'm not sure if that's a nutritionist, a "real" personal trainer or a visit to my doctor to have my T3 & T4 tested (he did do a thyroid test in June when I had my cholesterol checked and I was told it was "fine"). The problem: they don't believe you. I'm over 35 years old and there's an assumption that I'm not working hard enough or I'm "cheating" on my diet. (I've already been shrugged off by my previous doctor when I had a concern... and she told me I was too young to have a thyroid problem; she was only concerned about my reproductive organs. Glad I changed doctors).

I think Matt's big concern is that I'm going to stop taking care of myself. Let me just say that a lot of this is now so ingrained and that I'm not going to just stop working out or eat what ever I want. I'm smarter than that, thank you very much. I recognize that's how I got to be 214 lbs. My goal in life is to never allow myself to be that disrespectful to myself again.

So I'll keep trudging along. I have to, I promised Matt that I would take of myself so we can spend our lives together for as long as we can. It's not fair to him for me to be unconcerned about my health.

I just wish I could share good news on this blog. I feel that I spend a lot of time whining and feeling sorry for myself, but when I started blogging this process, I told myself that I would be very honest with the process. I love those "before and after" stories you get in health magazines. They never mention the plateaus and the frustration and the tears. Or maybe it's just me.