Weights On, Weight Off

I'm really trying to get back into a weight training routine. Starting is the hardest part. I'm so frickin' sore I can barely do stairs (stupid squats). I'm surprised at how sore my legs are, when all my cardio is leg dependant (just goes to show that weights work the muscles differently than "usage").

My problem seems to be that I have a hard time focusing on both cardio and weights. If I weight train, my cardio sufferes, and if I concentrate on cardio, I don't weight train as regularly as I should.

It's about balance and trying to develope a structured routine. I need both to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I was really hoping to drop below 160lbs before the end of September, which didn't happen, but I'm still fairly happy with my results for the month (I'm very close to my goal). I see a big difference in how I look, I just need to remember that I'm still a works in progress and need to continue with my efforts.

Success In Small Doses

I forget sometimes to celebrate my successes. I have a fairly negative personality and therefore, concentrate on the negative.

This is true with my weight loss/fitness regimen. I'm focusing on my lack of enthusiasms and concentration, but in fact, I'm still losing weight.

On Wednesday I weighed in at 161.8 lbs and today I was at a 161.0lbs. So I'm still doing something right. (maybe the lack of cheese in my diet is paying off!).

Anyway, at some point I'm going to have to break down and buy some jeans. I hate buying clothes. Nothing ever fits me right and I hate spending the money. If nothing else, I guess I should get a belt to pull in the waist of the one pair of jeans that don't look horrible on me.

Wednesday Weigh In

Well, it's Wednesday, and that means I weigh myself to get a sense on how I've been doing.

Sometimes I dread this process. I wasn't really dreading it this week, but I also didn't expect to see much change (see yesterday's entry: Half-Assed=Big-Assed). I was pleasantly surprised.

I'm below 162lbs. I haven't been this low on the scale in a really long time. I'm now below the weight that I got down to while on Weight Watchers (and before I went back up to over 214lbs).

So it is working. I'm still not working out as hard as I would like to be. I think I still have this "punishment" attitude about working out. I feel that I'm paying for the mistakes for what I did to put on those 214lbs instead of seeing it as a way for the nasty cholesterol to get out of my blood stream. I've got to do an attitude adjustment, or it will not be a life long change, but just something I do to lose weight. It's got to become part of my healthier lifestyle (and not a punishment for when I over eat or put on weight).

Half-Assed = Big-Assed

Okay, I admit, I'm only going thru the motions right now. I'm trying to keep to a weight training schedule, but my cardio isn't as much as I would like it to be. So I'm trying to mix it up a bit to keep me interested.

The eating is pretty much on track, and the scale is steady (tho' this week it's hard to tell). I'm not seeing the drop that I would like, but that's to be expected when I'm not burning extra calories on the cardio equipment.

So I'll keep trying and let the enthusisasm ebb and flow. I'll have to accept that there are periods where I just go thru the motions, but something is always better than nothing. I'll also have to accept that there won't be weight loss during the half assed phase.

The Bumpy Road to success?

I think the thing that I've learned the most in this journey of lifestyle overhaul is that there are good days and there are bad days. There are, quite frankly, a lot of bad days.

The main reason I'm doing this journal is to force myself to accountability. It would be very easy for me to "throw the towel" in. However, I've realized something. Even though I'm constantly struggling and feeling sorry for myself due to this new lifestyle, it has become a lifestyle. I may not accept it with open arms, but I can't see myself in my previous glutinous state any more. To eat whatever I want and to not exercise seems as foreign to me as eating healthy and exercising did several years ago.

It's definitely a long journey with lots of hills and valleys (and tears), but I now know that I have changed my lifestyle, even if I do mourn the loss of junk food occasionally...

Emotional eating

One of the problems with eating is how it is tied in to my emotions. I've had a crappy day today. My self esteem was squashed thanks to being removed from the Knitters Blogger webring. I didn't even know that I had been dropped. I don't think I did anything wrong. I feel like I'm constantly dealing with the "I can't do anything right" and "nobody likes me" low self esteem issues.

I've had some recent criticism (thru family and thru my blog) so I've already been feeling a little low, and now that I've been expelled from the webring, I really do feel that I'm just not good enough. (the 2lbs weight gain was just an other example of my failures).

So I'm not sure how to deal with these kinds of low self esteem issues any more. I can't use food as a comfort. Working out is a constant reminder of my failures (to me it's a reminder on how heavy I allowed myself to get and it really doesn't improve my mood. I actually am more likely to break out in tears while I'm exercising than any other time).

So this whole weight loss stuff is hard. Not just with the hard work or food sacrifices, but on a day to day emotional level too. Maybe a good crying jag would help?

I freakin' hate this...

So the scale was as unfriendly of an experience as I expected. In one week I put on 2 pounds. I can't lose 2lbs in one week, but just a little distraction, and two pounds come right on. It's not like I did a complete pig out, either.

The knowledge of how hard I have to work for the Rest of My Life is daunting. The complete focus on what I'm eating is irritating. I hate to constantly keep track of what I'm eating. I don't want to take an hour of my day everyday to work out. There are other things I would rather be doing.

I remember those blissful days where I ate what I wanted and didn't worry about my physical activity. Ignorance is bliss.

So I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I'm sore (I'm back to lifting weights, and starting is one of the most uncomfortable times... every muscle is screaming in pain... which is why I should never stop doing it!) I'm disappointed and I'm irritated and I'm tired. Best solution? Get my fat ass on the treadmill and walk.

I know when I avoid the scale...

that I dread what it's going to read. It was not a good week for me. After the success of the previous week, I found excuses for not working out and for making some questionable eating choices.

The eating part doesn't bother me too much. I had opportunities for food that I took. I kept my proportions within reason and skipped dessert. And, dang, steak and potatoes are tasty once in a while. (and I would do it again in a heartbeat).

What I'm disappointed in is that I barely worked out. I hurt my toe at the beginning of the week, making shoes uncomfortable. I used that as an excuse not to work out. I simply don't want to get into that habit. Taking a day or two off when necessary is fine, but I can't spread it out for a whole week.

So that means I haven't gotten on the scale all week. I know it's not going to make me happy. I'll wait until Wednesday (my "official" weekly weigh-in day) and see how much damage I caused.

I will not use it as an excuse to throw in the towel and say "screw it, I don't care about the weight loss or the cholesterol or the blood pressure or my high risk for breast cancer or heart disease or Type II diabetes". I think that's one of the things I've really gotten better about. There will always be set backs, but it's about getting back up on the treadmill and keep on walkin' baby!