Miss placed my glasses

I admit it. I've completely lost focus. I'm so uninspired. I'm not motivated and I've gotten lazy with both my workout routine and some of my food choices. And I'm not happy about it.

This is something I always seem to do and something I should accept. I want to keep going, but I'm just not inspired. I can work hard enough to maintain my current weight and that's fine, but I want to keep losing, as it takes me so long in the first place.

I think it just takes so much focus for me to lose, that I get burned out. I'm definitely burned out. Even Maya doesn't seem to be cutting it for me right now. There's nothing left to unlock (and hasn't been since October) and as much as I hate to admit it, she's becoming a little repetative.

I was sort of expecting this. I knew once I got the news about my cholesterol, I would lose my drive. That's what was motivating me before and now I don't have that kind of motivation any longer.

So now I need to think about the next "motivation" to do the extra work to lose the next 20 pounds. Vanity doesn't cut it for me (I just don't care enough: which is why I don't remember the last time I had my hair cut) and I feel that I'm doing enough to stay healthy. Yes, the next 20 pounds will make me even healthier (I'm still at an unhealthy weight), but I'm not in the panic mode like I was when my cholesterol was so high.

So what's my next goal? Should I train for something like a 3 K? Should I promise myself a special trip? Should I learn a new activity? Sigh... maybe something will inspire me to work harder.

Today's Positive Comment:
I did my workout today even tho' I had no desire to (and I didn't put a whole lot of effort into it).

The New Healthy Me!

Well I finally called my doctor's office and the nurse called back with my results. I couldn't feel prouder of myself!

All my numbers are with in a healthy range.

My overall cholesterol went from 243 to 194. My LDL's went from 141 to 99!!! The HDL's went from 71 to 66, and that needs some work (actually don't want a drop on that one) and my triglycerites dropped a bit from 146 to 143.

I'm going to say that I'm very pleased. It's frustrating to not lose weight as fast as I would like, but the weight is only part of a much larger equation. The fact that my cholesterol become a problem while I was losing weight shows that there isn't just one part of being healthy that you can afford to concentrate on. It's the big picture. It's about eating healthy well balanced (and sensible) food and getting enough exersice. More exercise than you think you need.

Today's Positive Comment:
Well, duh, I believe that would be the 50 point drop in my cholesterol in 6 months!!!

Lost Focus?

You know when I haven't posted for a couple of days that I'm not working as hard as I should. I'm not. I'm still not overly motivated and I'm barely making my 30 minutes a day minimum requirement.

I know that I need to get my butt in gear, but I'm not motivated and my endurance is still down. I'm not sure if I'm bored with Maya or just tired of the process (I'm guessing the later). I did weigh myself this morning before my workout, and I haven't gained any weight. So I'm doing enough to keep me steady, which is fine. I don't expect to lose weight at only 30 minutes a day.

My doctor's office is a "no news is good news" place. In other words, they never bothered to call me with my test results. Which means I've got to call, leave a message for the nurse so she can call me back. It's annoying. I guess we can safely say that either my cholesterol didn't change or it went down... they would've called it it had gone up.

I should also mention that my cholesterol numbers aren't dangerous, per se. They were just borderline and my LDL had tripled in 2 years, which is cause for concern. However, the numbers are in range and I also know that when I go off birth control pills, the numbers will drop some more. I'm just curious to see how the extra workouts and specific diet has changed the numbers (and I might add with out drugs).

Today's Positive Comment:
Even with cutting back my workouts, I was able to maintain my weight. By increasing, I should see a drop.

Is It Really 2:30 AM?

Man, I hate not being able to sleep. I go thru these periods of insomnia and they really are a royal PITA to say the least.

Part of the problem is that I lay in bed with thoughts that roll around in my head that I can't quite shake. Usually negative thoughts. Usually low self esteem negative thoughts.

So instead of laying in bed thinking about how sorry I'm feeling for myself, I thought I would get up and do something semi productive.

Part of me thinks that I'm feeling guilty because I really have been slacking a bit on my workouts. I'm just not back into the groove yet. I'm off schedule and my enthusiasm is down. Going thru the motions doesn't cut it.

So a little self motivating pep talk is in order. I can lose the last 30 lbs. I will be able to do more than 15 pushups (hey, I never thought I would be able to do 15). I will go sleeveless this summer! Maya says it's all about me, baby and she's right. I will not let other people's own low self esteem bring me down (and why do we feel that we need to put other's down to boost our own self esteem?). So what if I only lost 1 lb in January. No big deal. The weight is coming off. I've got to remember that and be happy that I no longer weigh over 200 lbs.

Today's Positive Comment:
I deserve to treat myself by taking care of my body and living a healthy lifestyle.

Almost there...

I'm definitely feeling a bit better. I do think I needed to tone it down for a couple of days and allow some of the soreness work itself out.

The problem is that it's hard to get back into routine. I've tried to be consistant about working out, but there's now the issue of how hard to work. Part of me doesn't want to push real hard and the other part wants to get my butt in gear. I'm going to "ease" back into harder workouts. Keeping the workouts a little shorter for a bit (15 minutes to 30 minutes a day) then slowly increase them.

I'm also going to work a bit harder with the stretching/yoga. I also need to make sure I'm drinking enough water. I'm a soda addict and I have a tendancy of drinking diet soda more than I really should. I also have been noticing that I'm not getting the fruits and vegetables that I should be. This is something that I actually really have to pay attention to. It's soup season so it's easy for me to add veggies to soups, but the fruit this time of year can be a bit of a challenge. (I like to make smoothies, but it's cold enough that a smoothie doesn't really sound appealling).

There does come a time when the whole process just seems to be too much of a focus. I think that's why I have so many ups and downs. I get tired of worrying about and tracking my food. I get tired of calculating portion sizes and if I got enough exercise. Some of it has become easier as I've now been doing this so long, but other times, I just think "let's just have grilled cheese sandwiches and canned soup for dinner". So we do, and I worry about making sure we eat right the next night.

Today's Positive Comment:
Tonight we'll be having a family favorite: Orange-Currant Chicken with Toasted Walnuts from Cooking Light (April 1997 issue). Might make some whole wheat couscous for with it.

I'm getting too old for this...

I'm definitely in a "body break down" period. I feel every muscle in my body is strained or at lease sore. Not fun.

The pinched nerve has passed (thank goodness: at least I can knit), but I'm having some hip flexor issues now. So I'm still dealing with the heating pad.

I'm pretty discouraged right now. I'm still eating right, but I've got to cut back on my workouts. I'm going to concentrate this week on some stretching (my theory as to why I'm having so many issues right now: I'm not stretching enough).

This is part of my cycle of weight loss. I seem to get into a groove, start feeling good about how hard I'm working, then I get some kind of painful injury (that strained groin at Christmas was not a good combo). It's a no win situation. When I try to pace myself, I don't lose weight, when I push myself, I over do it.

Oh well, lots of water, hot baths and the heating pad. A little yoga and some treadmill walking is on schedule this week. Hopefully, I'll be back on course next week.

Today's Positive Comment:
I can knit again!!!

The Ups & Downs

Yesterday I was feeling so positive. I was feeling good about my self. Today is just the opposite. what the hell happened? How can I feel all energized and happy then the next day crash into a ball of low self esteem?

It doesn't take much. I'm still having arm problems (and it's really really annoying me). I also posted on a knitting group a suggestion to help someone. The knitting police were immediately on my ass to say that I was wrong. The same knitting police that told me that I was using the wrong yarn for a project (altho' this person had never used the yarn or even looked at the pattern... but the knitting police are never wrong).

I also get frustrated at how slow my weight loss is. I see how successful other people are on the Y!F forum and instead of it encouraging me, it makes me feel like a failure. "I've lost 20 lbs since Christmas using Maya". Gee, it took me 6 months and a hell of a lot of work to lose 20 lbs. I know that everyone's different and I had already made so many changes to my diet, but I do get very discouraged at how slow this process is.

I'm so tired of being fat. I'm tired with how long it's taking. I'm tired of passing up crappy food. I'm tired of having to workout so much just to keep my weight steady. I'm tired of this being such a large focus in my life. I'm really tired of not seeing much results.

I started the Yourself!Fitness on October 1 (I think). That's 16 weeks of working out with Maya. At least 6 days a week, some times more. I've lost a whopping 9 lbs. I know that I should feel good about that, but I just wish that all this work would give me better results.

I know that this mood will pass, but right now I'm just wallowing in my own self pity. Probably because I feel like I can't do anything right. I guess I should workout. Maybe that will improve my mood. Sometimes that works (and sometimes it actually discourages).

Today's Positive Comment:
The sun is shining today.

Blogger Ate My Homework

Well, not my homework, but it did eat my earlier post. Which is why I don't use it for my knitting blog (but that has it's own issues... we won't discuss my opinion of Java right now).

Anyway, the arm is feeling much better now, thank you very much. Rest, drugs and a little heat seems to have improved it a bit. I did get some knitting done today (and hope to get some done tonight... might not work on the socks, tho). I also worked out with Maya. I took yesterday off completely (and of course she told me about it...). I did only do a 30 minute cardio workout (I was scheduled for 45 minutes upper body, but didn't think that was a good idea yet. We'll rest the arm an other day or so before we do all the bicep curls and tricep kickbacks).

It actually felt good. I felt like such a slug yesterday not working out. I was in a lot of pain, and knew I couldn't do much, but the lack of exercise felt really weird. Not quite decadent, more like I felt like I spent all day in bed eating junk food (which I didn't I might add).

I'm actually starting to feel like an "active" person. Maybe this spring I'll even start biking with Matt. We'll see. I won't ride on the road like he does... but that's what Valley Forge Park is for. He has a bike that should fit me and I've got biking shorts (as I do ride his trainer every once in a while... and let me tell you: you need biking shorts to ride a trainer).

Today's Positive Comment:
I feel good. I feel like I have more energy and a more positive attitude about things (but that also may be from removing a negative source from my life...). Quite frankly, I feel happy. Okay, one little disclaimer: I was pretty whiney about the sore arm. It hurt and I was a little bitchy about it, but it's better now and I'm feeling very positive today.

Pain in the A**

Yep, I've pinched a nerve and I've got pain that runs down my arm. It's making it difficult to do much of anything. I'm going to have to take a break from Maya and do the treadmill, as I just don't have any strength in that arm.

At first I just thought I needed to take a knitting break (size 2 needles to knit socks can be a bit fiddley) but I haven't knitted for 2 days and the pain is still there (and it's the whole arm).

I didn't do my weigh in today as I'm headed out to the vampire's to get some blood drawn for my cholesterol check. I have mixed emotions about it. I want the validation that what I'm doing is working, but I also know that it's been my main motivation for the last 7 months to lose the 20lbs and to live a healthier life.

Positive Comment for Today:
I've lost 20 lbs since my last visit to my doctor's 6 months ago.

Monday workouts suck

So I had no desire to do my workout today. Just feeling pissy and not really in the mood to put on my workout clothes and then jump around and work hard.

However I did it. Once I got started, I was fine (until Maya had me do 4 sets of V ups). However, I had to increase the cardio intensity. Which is great (and I got a couple of new exercises out of it). The drawback is that today was flexibility and she only had me do about 18 minutes of cardio (out of the 63 minutes that she had me do). I burned a whopping 159 calories. That's not enough. The stretching felt great and my muscles thank me, but I need to burn about twice that a day to lose any weight.

So I'll do an other workout before dinner. I just hate taking an hour to workout and not burn enough calories. I'll probably do the treadmill for 2 miles or so (that will burn more than enough cals), but that's going to take me about 35 minutes or so to do. It's worth it and I do have the time, it's just I would rather be doing something else instead of working out. Oh, why doesn't knitting burn enough calories????

Today's Positive Comment:
Had to increase the intensity of my cardio workout and got 2 new exercises on the bench!