New Attitude and Workout!

Well, it's time I shook off this low self esteem and self pity! Time to shake things up a bit and try something new.

Matt and I talked last night and we're going to work together to get back in focus. So back to ye ol' food logs. You know it's really not bad to do them anymore. Once you've been doing them for a while, you realize that you eat a lot of the same things and it's easier to do the longer you do them.

I also am going to shake up my workouts a bit. I'm going to continue to work with Maya, as I love what she's been able to do to my body so far. I love upper body workouts with her, but I still thinks she neglects the cardio a bit and I need more than just lunges for lower body workouts. So I'm going to basically "start over" with her. I'll do a brand new evaluation, and tho' I know that she's going to want me to do weight loss, I'll over ride it and either choose the cardio or the upper body. I'm going to follow her suggested schedule without any changes and supplement her with other cardio and weight training. I'm going to set up a "rigid" workout regimine instead of doing just what I want to do. I've got to learn to push myself and do the things I don't "want" to do.

In the 10 months with Maya, she has improved my muscle toning significantly, but since my focus was on weight loss, I'm actually disappointed with her results. Maybe because I had already lost so much weight before I started working with her that I need a more advanced workout.

Actually, that's what Matt said to me last night. I've already done the "easy" weight loss tricks. Cutting soda and sweets and the cooking processes were a big help in the beginning, but they aren't in my diet any longer and my body has adjusted to me not drinking over 300 calories a day just in soda.

So the only way for me to lose the weight at this point is to work hard and pay attention to my calories. Easier said than done. I'm really bad at pushing myself past a certain comfort zone and a little distraction and it's easy to lose focus with the food. Not that our eating has become horrible, in fact we eat very healthy, but to "lose" weight, I've got to be vilagent!

Matt said he's going to work a little harder with me. Altho' he's very supportive (especially with meal planning), he's going to work a bit more on accountability with me. Maybe some of his drive will rub off on me.

Better Than Nothing

Well, I must say that I'm still feeling pretty down.

I am trying to keep to my workout schedule and trying not to eat for comfort. I did 30 minutes with Maya today and I swear it was an hour workout. It was the toughest 30 minutes I've spent. The time just didn't move.

I wanted to say thank you to Carissa for her lovely comments and her friendship. It has meant a lot to me to have such a great online friend :D

Thanks also to Sara for her tag. I have considered using a trainer, but since the Yourself!Fitness program actually tracks my workouts (and yes, Maya does gently chide me if I miss a scheduled workout), I'm more or less getting that kind of accountability. There's not a lot of flexibility with her (you can't tell her, "but Maya I rode the stationary bike yesterday, that's why I didn't work with you"), but it does make you not want to miss a workout her!

I am at least still working out. I do always feel a little better about things when I do my workout, but I also feel like I'm not working at them hard enough. I just never feel like what I'm doing is good enough. I don't lose weight fast enough, I'm not doing enough cardio or enough weights or enough stretching. I'm not working as hard as I could. I don't push myself past my comfort zone.

I also really need to stop beating myself up over everything.

The Double Edged Sword

So I'm feeling a bit depressed. Not only with my lack of motivaton, but with things in general. It happens. Ups and downs are a part of life and I've learned different ways to cope with the downs.

I know that its part of the reason I'm struggling with my workouts is that I get very lethargic when I go thru a depression cycle. I know exercise is supposed to help boost my natural seratonin levels, but it's hard to get the energy to workout hard enough for it to get that boost.

The other thing that happens while in this kind of funk is that I get a lot of aches and pains. Nasty painful zits, stomach pains, sore muscles. I know that it's part of the feelings of depression, but again, it keeps me from wanting to push myself.

One of my great talents in life is wallowing in self pity. I know that this is just a period in time and I'll get back on track. The key is to not let this be a set back... and I'm getting very close to that point. I've cut back on my workouts, maybe not making as good of food choices as I should. I need to get myself back into my routine and hopefully dig myself out of this hole.

So it's a vicious cycle. I need to exercise to boost my mood, yet I can't motivate myelf to exercise because my mood is so bad. Luckily, I know that it will click, and I'll keep trying to get back on track.

So Now What?

My motivation, or rather the lack there of, is still an issue for me.

I just don't care anymore. Yes, I'm still aware of what I'm eating. Will I ever not be? I'm still working out, but it's still just the bare minimum. I just don't care enough right now.

Part of me knows that I go thru cycles with my interests and quite frankly I'm very distracted with my fiber projects. While I'm working out, I'm thinking about my current projects. I rush thru them so I can get back to them.

I did have another evauation with Maya this week. She thinks that I've tried the "cardio" focus long enough and I should seriously consider the weight loss workout. Gee, those 10 workouts with a cardio focus is a real indication of how successful I'll be on it. Especially when I did over 200 with the "weight loss" focus and lost a whopping 7 lbs. I really don't see how the programmers think that the weight loss program is going to help me lose weight. Yes it did in the beginning as it helped me to build muscle, but there really is a lack of focus on calorie burn with the weight loss program.

For me to lose weight, I need to keep my calories around 1500 a day and I need to burn approx 300 calories in exercise. That's a high calorie burn. Yes, I could cut my eating down to 1200 calories a day, but actually, I've tried that and I don't lose weight. It slows my metabolism down, I'm tired (and let's not forget hungry and irritable) and working out is near impossible with the few calories. I've tried it and I wasn't successful. The 1500 in +300 out has been the most successful ratio for me, but it's so hard for me to come up with the time to burn that many calories with out spending an hour and a half a day working out (and that doesn't include the weight training or stretching).

So I'm in a pissy mood (I'm sure it's noticable). I'm frustrated with myself, yet not enough to motivate my ass to work harder.

You know it's funny, I think that most people see my 60 lbs weight loss and think that I'm judging them on their weight. You know, it's funny, it's become just the opposite (now I admit I do judge poor decision making over food choices. There is no way anyone can justify drinking full sugared sodas on a regular basis). However, I know how hard this is. It is a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. I would never tell someone it's an easy process. I always say I follow an easy formula, but implementing it takes a lot of will power and dedication. and sacrifice. and sore muscles. and deprivaton. and hard work. and time. It becomes a full time job.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I've changed my lifestyle to be so healthy, but part me really misses those days of just not caring. The days when I ate whatever I wanted (and as much) and never exerted myself physically any more than I had to. Sadly, that's how I got to 214 lbs and those days are long gone.

I know I'm healthier today, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished (yet I'm still beating myself up for allowing myself to get to 214 lbs). However, I'm still at an unhealthy weight and my cholesterol will forever be an issue for me. I always have to think about what I'm eating and how much I'm working out. I want to be 30 lbs lighter, putting me into a healthy weight range.

Dang, it's a good thing no one reads this. This turned into quite the blog entry, eh? Let's see if writing all this down motivates me to push myself to the next level (I doubt it...)

Still Here... Really

ooops, no post for a while.

We did have little internet problem (basically, we didn't have any for a couple of days), but I've just simply been bad about posting. (I've been working on some fiber projects and just not taking the time to spend on the computer like I normally do. I did finish a crochet jacket and I'm thrilled with it...)

Saying that, I'm still working out. Just not as much as I "should" be. I'm on a "bare minimum" workout regimine again. Sigh. Just can't get my butt in gear to work that extra bit yet. Oh well, I'm maintaining my weight, and that's the really important part.

However, I did have physical evaluation with Maya last week. I'm getting very very tired of these. I really wish there was a way to either adjust how often they happen or just turn them off completely. Anyway, I decided to change my main focus this last time. I've changed it to "cardio" instead of the "weight loss".

I am so glad that I did. One of my complaints with the weight loss is that there is a high concentration on weight lifting and not enough on burning calories (yes, building muscle is important and will help raise my metabolism, etc... but I've done a splendid job on the muscle building and need to drop the fat to show them off... so I want to burn more calories).

The weight loss focus is a daily cycle of workouts. She started me with a cardio concentration, then the next day we did upper body, then core, then lower then flexibility, then back to the cardio. That's been the cycle since I started using Yourself!Fitness back in October. I simply didn't think I was getting enough aerobic using that cycle, so most days I over rode her decision. Either to the Weight Loss concentration (which gave me 75% of aerobic followed by a variety of weight lifting... covering full body weights) or Cardio (similar to the Weight Loss, but more variation in the intensity).

Since I've switched my main focus to Cardio, I get a Cardio concentration every other day. So it goes "Cardio, Upper Body, Cardio, Core, Cardio, Lower Body, etc". I'm thrilled. I don't want to stop using the weight lifting concentration workouts, but the switching back and forth makes so much more sense to me.

Oh, and she gave me a new torture exercise: "hundreds"... and yes, I had to do 100 of them. (well, I didn't make it... probably was only able to do half. Yikes!

It's Not The Heat... It's The Humility...

Yikes, this weather is nasty. We're having hot, humid, oppressive muggy weather right now. It makes me very lethargic. Even tho' I'm in a nice air conditioned house, there's still this sense of "weight". I can feel the moist air pressing down on me and it's making my workouts a real challenge.

Meanwhile, my freak of a husband has been out riding every day in this weather. (yes, he's the first to admit he's a freak). It did finally catch up with him. We went to the Penn State region over the weekend. Matt did the mountains (Purdue and Rattlesnake mountains are his favorites). He rode Saturday afternoon, even tho' the temp was well over 90 degrees. We then went to a party (which was pretty uncomfortable... the a/c couldn't keep up with the heat and volume of warm bodies). He also had a beer or 2. Our room had a wall unit a/c and we forgot to turn it on before we left, so our room was blistering hot when we go home from the party. We did not sleep well (but only part of that was the heat). Matt was up the next morning early to ride the mountains again before it got too hot. Followed by a 3 hour drive in a car without a/c (well, our car is a '91 and we didn't think it could handle the a/c). Matt came home and literally crashed in our nice a/c house. He took a 2 hour plus nap. Lots of liquid and some food and the nap helped, but I do think he over did it a bit.

Last night we went to bed a little after 10:00 PM and it was 81 degrees out. It's just horrible. It is having an effect on my workouts. Or I'm having a mental block with them right now. I just don't have good energy right now and it's real work to finish the workout. I did a flexibility workout yesterday, which I think was good. It's tough, but has a different "energy" requirement. It's the jumping and bouncing of the cardio work that's been the challenge.

It's supposed to break on Thursday. Hopefully, we'll get back to normal temps and I can get myself motivated to work a bit harder!

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

Okay, I'm a Negative Nelly. I beat myself up a lot. I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about my frustrations and how much I need to lose. Yes, I do talk about the 60+ lbs I've lost, but I have a tendancy of down playing it. Even to myself.

I still don't "see" what I look like. I don't really have a sense of size. This is a problem, as I spend most of my time knitting things for myself. I sort of guess at what size is going to look okay, cross my fingers, and knit away. I've made some mistakes. My finished knitting projects are a mixed bag of too small and too large, with a couple of things that fit well.

I know my measurements, I know how many inches I've lost (7" just in my hips), but I can't seem to translate that to how I actually look.

Since I don't work, I don't really "need" clothes, and I would rather spend my clothing budget on yarn. So I have some jeans and tee shirts, and I've been buying new workout clothes as I need them. However, most of my clothes are in the larger sizes (okay, I got rid of all the 22's as soon as I could), but I still wear my size 18 leggings... ya, they just look like knit pants now rather than leggings, but they're comfortable and they're in good shape.

Sometimes, however, I need to look presentable and I wanted something for my father's birthday party this weekend. I could've worn my jeans and a tee shirt. It's not some kind of dress up party. A lot of people will be in jeans and tee shirts, but I just wanted to wear something a little nicer. So off to the mall I went. I dragged my dear friend Betty along so I had an other pair of eyes to give me an opinion.

I have to say I almost cried in the dressing room. In a good way. I pulled out a size 14 pair of pants, but Betty didn't think they were going to fit, so she shoved the size 12 at me and sent me off the the dressing room. I wear a size 12 pants. I wasn't expecting that. I have to honestly say I don't remember when I last wore a size 12.... maybe college?

However, I did learn a few things about my body. I'm short. I'm above average in boob size (we won't discuss some of the tops I tried on!) and lavender looks really really bad on me. I also learned that there's a lot of really really ugly clothes out there. I also learned that even tho' most of the short women I know are busty, petite sized clothes do not account for this...

So even tho' I know the numbers, they still have not quite settled into my brain. I guess I still "see" myself as I did at 214 lbs?... well maybe closer to 180 lbs.

Hot & Humid...

...makes for a tough workout.

So tough, I couldn't finish. I was getting nauseous. I may have to put the a/c on and do the workout this afternoon. Every muscle hurts and I have no energy. I don't know how Matt does it. He's not at all bothered by the heat.

Looking at the forecast for the rest of the day and tomorrow, I think air conditioning is in order. We've had unseasonably cold, wet weather then this sudden heat and humidity (Friday it didn't reach 60, and tomorrow it's going to hit 90).

So the air conditioner should help, but as of right now, I simply can't get myself motivated to do much of anything...

200 workouts with Maya

Well, I've finally hit 200 workouts using the Yourself!Fitness program. I'm currently straining my shoulder patting myself on the back.

Now granted, I haven't lost globs of weight using Yourself!Fitness, but boy, do I feel like I get a good workout with her. I still think I need more cardio than she gives me. I think her program as is if fine for me to maintain my weight, but with the focus so much on weight lifting, I'm simply not burning enough calories for a loss.

So I'm trudging along at the same weight (I cheated and weighed myself this morning... and I've lost half of the weird gain from Wednesday). I know I need to do more, but boy, that motivation thing is really hard. It's hard work and it's time consuming to do something that I really don't enjoy.

I've had too many splurges for food this week, too. We ate Chinese food and ate out lunch today. Neither were good for my calorie count. Again, looking at me food log, I was able to keep both days under 1800 calories, but that's over my goal if I expect to see any kind of loss.

I'm still at a point that I'm more pleased with what I've lost to work hard enough to deal with what I still need to lose. I'm disappointed in my physical appearance, as I don't think it reflects how hard I've been working, but I still can't seem to translate that into the work and sacrifices I need to make.

However, today is about the positive knowlege that I've been consistant over that last year or so...

Wednesday Weigh In

@&%@&$

The weigh in didn't go as well as I expected. I had hoped that I had maintained my weight. My food logs show that I've averaged between 1500-1600 calories a day (with on day maxing out at over 1800... but that was the Hershey day). I've worked out almost every day (again, Hershey day I didn't, but I did spend the day walking around the park and I took one other day off). I should "not" have gained weight.

Yet, I did. I'm up 2 lbs. I'm not happy, but Matt said all the right things (he's good like that). I may be retaining water (since I'm no longer taking birth control pills, I'm not really sure where I am in my cycle). He also thinks that I'm in the right range for food and that I'm working out enough to maintain my weight (again, I know that I need more than 30 minutes a day average to lose weight).

I'm not beating myself up. Actually, I'm surprised that I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I mean I am disappointed, but I haven't done that spiralling into deep depression because my weight is up thing that I normally do.

Maybe I have come to accept that it's not about the scale? Maybe it will hit me tonight when I lay in bed with time to think? Who knows. All I know is that I'll need to work a bit harder if I expect to see any weight loss. It's only one week and I'll workout and eat right no matter what the scale says.